sruss3

I wanted to write... now I can't seem to get started.

Work is actually going really well.  I am doing breathe's 40 Days to Personal Revolution program and I'm currently on day 3 and hurting.  I think I am going to force myself to get up and take the 6am class tomorrow - ohhh...so early.  All I ever really want is to sleep in but I never doooo anymore.  I don't actually like wasting my day...I just really like sleep.  I slept in soo much when we were in NJ and Providence though.  I was seriously so lazy and unmotivated.  That's another reason why I think all of this is so good for me.  I am actually feeling...good...again.  Healthy.  Energized.  Motivated.  FINALLY.

I am still stressed about money.  Always am.  And I cut my middle finger pretty bad....left hand.  Stuuupid mistake.  But alas; this is the life I now lead.  And I really just...enjoy what I do.  I am so grateful to say that, I really am.  I can't wait to take on the next challenge.  Cutting my finger again has only made me more anxious to master my knife skills and be more confident and quick.  And I am grounded by yoga.  Every single time I go back to my mat I feel like I can really let go of everything else in my life and just...be present...and enjoy every second of every moment.

I've been looking at old pictures online and in my phone lately... of NJ, of just...Chelsea & I.  It's so crazy how just pictures can zap you back to a moment.  And you feel so happy and full...but with a twinge of bittersweet sadness and longing.  I love and hate that feeling.  I keep experiencing waves of it lately. 

I'm kind of obsessing over music at the moment so I'm gonna just go...listen & smoke.

Everything with Chelsea & I feels like it's falling apart.

Have I even told you where I am right now? 

I am in Rochester.  I was offered a job at breathe and, for the experience and money, I took it.  Of COURSE Chelsea was involved in my decision to do this because she is one of the main reason I would even do something so...crazy seeming in the first place.  Did I REALLY think that we were going to be fine doing long distance?  I don't know.  I suppose I talked myself into thinking so...because when she abruptly dumped me around Thanksgiving, I was completely blindsided.  Now...we have talked and even seen each other since then, and the time we've gotten to spend has been wonderful.  But as soon as the distance comes back into play, I start to lose Chelsea all over again.

She keeps pulling away from me... and in doing so, I unintentionally...harass her, almost.  'What are you thinking?' or 'How are you feeling?'  I never know...and the more questions I have, the less she has to say.  I need answers that she doesn't have and it hurts so fucking bad.  I dont know what in her life has gotten her to this point of utter exhaustion and terrible anxiousness.  I hope with everything inside of me that I haven't....broken her down or corrupted her soul or something.  She just won't let herself feel.  She doesn't see herself like other people see her.  She is so smart, so talented, creative, compassionate, thoughtful, pure.  I don't know what has gotten in the way of her seeing all of that.

She is in Minneapolis right now, spending the holiday with her family.  Yesterday, Christmas, she kind of...broke up with me a second time, almost.  I haven't spoken to her since yesterday afternoon.  Well, she texted me when she landed to let me know, but otherwise that is it.  It kills me to not be able to talk to her, or know if she's doing okay...or even know how any of this is going to turn out.  It's fucking terrifying.  I was supposed to go to Philly to meet her for New Years but now I'm not even sure if that is still happening.  I guess she will let me know when she wants to let me know =/ I have a feeling that it will probably be at the end of her visit in MN, unless she quickly comes to the conclusion that she just can't don this anymore and calls me tomorrow and officially ends it.  Who the fuck knows?  I am seriously overanalyzing it.  And it really doesn't help that I just got my period yesterday. 

Well, luckily I have the kittieis here with me.  I am watching them for Chelsea while she is away.  I wish I could keep them forever, but I know they need to go back where they have more space in Providence.  I really miss Providence.  I fell in love with it.  I miss being able to go to the ocean.  I miss the city, the pace, and even the people.  Everyone is so chill, so progressive.  I didn't try hard enough to get a job.  I was...depressed I think.  I mean, situationally depressed, because I've had to endure so many changes.  We both have =/  It really takes a toll on a person.  After I cut my finger at the deli down the street, I just...gave up hope temporarily.  I was in pain, and I would just take vicodin and sleep.  I got so lazy and unmotivated =( I let Chelsea carry my weight for too long...and it wasn't fair of me.

So I just...saw this breathe opportunity as my chance to really contribute, to get back to being her equal again.  To pay off my debt to her and then some.

If there is a God, ...please, if you're listening...please let her give me a chance.

I am so mixed up lately.

We have 1.5 weeks left here, in New Brunswick.  I am really going to miss living in Jersey, and believe me, I never thought I would say that.  I have met some of THE most amazing people and I will never forget the times we've shared.  I really will miss everyone... we had the strangest group of friends and somehow we all got along.  We call ourselves "the United Nations" hahah because it's just a crazy mix of people.  I am really, really going to miss Ashika.  I never expected to meet someone who I would call one of my very best friends in such a short period of time.  She's helped me deal with my demons... we've been like each others god damn therapists.  And boy, we are FUCKED UP...haha.  Just kidding.  Kind of.  I digress.  It's really scary to move somewhere not knowing anyone or much about it.  We got really lucky that most of Chelsea's coworkers are awesome and forced us to come out with them and become raging alcoholics, lol.  I really don't think I've drank this much since my first couple weeks at RIT. 

It's always strange to start a new chapter of life...and turn the pages you've become so acustomed to.  I really lucked out with the job I had, and the boss too - as much as Dan drives me crazy, I don't know what I would have done without him.  I mean jesus, the guy paid $575 to have my car window fixed...only having known me, what, like a couple months?  I just feel like there are guardian angels, all around us.  I really don't understand sometimes why so many good things happen to me. 

I guess maybe what I am feeling is sort of similar to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder but...less severe, and less frequent.  I really have never allowed myself to heal from my parent's divorce, or from Nicole, or from being suspended from RIT.  I have just numbly stumbled through the days, hoping for the best but definitely expecting the worst.  And you know, it hasn't been bad.  It hasn't been bad at all.  But there are still places in my heart that ache and remind me of all the shit I've pushed to the back burner and just ignored because I am too weak to face them.  Is there a right way to heal oneself?  Are you really supposed to wallow in your misery? 

I look at my life and I wonder why I ever complain.  I really have nothing to complain about that isn't ordinary or something that most people deal with.  Sometimes I feel like the longer Chelsea and I are together, the more we drift apart and know less and less about each other.  I don't know if it's normal to try with all of your might to stay with a person just because the ways of our society make you feel like you HAVE to.  I don't know if it's normal at all to stay with someone just because it would be too complicated to break up.  I'm not saying either of these are the case for me...I'm just...saying.  Maybe they do have to do with me a little. 

Cinco de Mayo was going great... until... it wasn't.  I got off of work at 3pm, came home, and Ashika picked me up to go to Stuff Yer Face.  It was such a nice day out... not too hot, and we sat in the shade on the outdoor patio sipping out "Horny Hawaiian" fishbowl and eating nachos.  After that, we went to the liquor store and then over to Paul's to hang out with Carson before all the PCA folks got home from work.  We continued drinking, pacing ourselves...we went to make food upstairs and sat and ate out on the patio when Eniye got there.  Then Kelly arrived for Carlos, and shortly after Chelsea & all the PCA people came home.  I guess they had been working on a new design for a beerpong table all day and when they got home, they wanted to set it up and finish it.  Chels just never got out of work mode and I was in the it's-Cinco-de-Mayo-so-let's-all-get-drunk mode since I woke up that morning...so I was slightly disappointed that she was preoccupied with other stuff.  I wanted to smoke but realized we didn't bring any over with us...so I asked Chelsea if, since she hadn't drank yet, she could drive us home and I would run in and grab it...since it's like a 2 minute drive.  Buuut, she got annoyed with me and said no.  I told her that I'd walk then because I wasn't trying to use up all of Paul's shit.  Ashika told me she'd drive but I knew she couldn't... and I think that's when Chelsea came outside and told us we couldn't drive, and I said I would walk.  She got really annoyed.  Maybe she thought I was trying to spite her but I really just wanted the weed.  I started walking up the driveway and she just kept blocking my way like "you can't walkt that far alone, and with no shoes on!!!" and I got increasingly more...angry that she was physically blocking me from leaving, so I kept pushing her out of the way.  We worked our way into the street, screaming in each other's faces...and that's when it got physical in a baddd way.  I threw my heels at her, my phone, I pushed her away, she pushed me back, kicked me, and vice versa... and one point she had me in a headlock...and all I kept thinking was that I wanted to wake up.  But it wasn't a dream, it was real... I was in a physical fight with the girl I love, and for what reason?  I really am not even sure.  I guess the fact that I wanted to walk home, I had a little alcohol in me, and she was standing in my way.  

I think we are both at fault.  But I never want it to happen again.  We got home and she iced her arm from where there was a welt from my heel.  I continued to be angry...my foot bleeding and blood by my ear...she kept trying to pin stuff on me and it wasn't helping the situation at all.  I punched a wall, kicked a table, knocked over a lamp...stupid shit that ALSO...doesn't help the situation at all.  She ended up going into a panic attack, threw up in the shower, the sink...laid on the floor just shaking.  That, I do believe, is probably my fault.

I don't think we would fight so bad if we didn't really love each other.  Sometimes we don't understand each other or see eye to eye, and it gets really frustrating to us both.

I really hope it never happens again.

I love you, Chels...

When she's in my blood you know it feels so nice.





Rx.Bandits.

We are loading up the Uhaul tomorrow after I get done with work at about 1/1:30pm.  It doesn't feel real yet, and I have a feeling it's going to hit me in a hard, negative way.  I hope not though.  God dammit for having to be a stupid, bleeding, emotional girl.  Every emotion I have right now is amplified times a million.  I just want to stay home with the kitties all day, just curled up in a little ball where nothing can hurt me.

I think in life...we just carry pieces of people with us wherever we go, and we may not even realize.  Or we "miraculously" meet other people so similar to people we already know, or used to know...that it's obviously no coincidence.  And whether you're able to put it into words or not, everyone is attracted to a specific TYPE of person.  I've come to realize that for me, it's someone who has dark eyes, usually brown, dark features like eyebrows and lips, dark hair...flawless skin...a beautiful smile...and an amazing personality.  And I don't even CARE in my heart that much about looks, but subconsciously I have always been drawn to this type of person.  Like I always say, when I love...it's uncontrollable, and I love so hard that it seems like nothing else matters.

I'm trying to focus on the good and let the bad go a little easier but it's always tough to actually do.  These past few days at work have been seriously draining the life out of me...and these are the days that I should be cherishing because I'm going to be gone soon.  I'm going to miss my mom.  It's going to be so weird knowing that she's not just 20 minutes away but 5 hours, rather.  Not that I see her a whole hell of a lot right now, but you know, "you never know what you've got til it's gone."  And yea, I can always come see her and vice versa, it'll just be a little more of a hike. Heh.

I don't really know what's with me lately.  I keep wanting to update but don't have a whole lot to say when it really comes down to it.  I'm just sort of floating through life, not caring what does or does not happen.  I feel so much...guilt lately.  From my past.  From hurting people.  From hurting Zac.  I wish I could talk to him again, just to APOLOGIZE...to tell him what a profound impact he had on my life...to tell him what a wonderful writer I thought he was/is and that I hope he'll start to write again if he's stopped.  And of course, if I ever got the chance to really TALK to Nicole, I'd really like that.  Maybe then I could finally heal the wounds that still burden me on a daily basis.

I wish I could do a lot of things, but I don't even try to do them because I fear the outcome of my actions.  I'm such an irrational girl who is swayed too easily by her emotions and strange, lucid dreams.  

Ah, my life is so monotonous.
Time to go roll a joint and smoke myself to slee

I feel so fucking lost.  NO.  No.  That's a lie.  I know what I need to do, what I should do... I should let Chelsea go to NJ and stay with my job here.  I know I should just be...alone,  I know I should heal the wounds I simply covered up.  But  it's so hard.